Tell me all your thoughts on God

After my last post here, I received lots of different responses. Phone calls, facebook messages, in-person "how are you doing"s. The one thing they all had in common, though, was that they focused on one particular line in that post: "I don't believe in God." The first thing I want to make clear is that I didn't mean that I believe that God/gods/god doesn't/don't exist. I have no idea, and that's the whole point of the post. I'm looking for answers. Despite the fact that it has a nice, lyrical ring to it, I can no longer accept "for the bible tells me so" as a foundation for a world view. But that's not what I want to focus on. I want to know why that line was singled out from everything I said in that post. I suppose it's because for most people I know, the belief in a higher power informs all their decisions. Is that the right way to look at the world? Clearly, if the Christian God exists, it's a great world view. But what if he doesn't? Is it still a good thing? The case could be made that, right or wrong, living a Christian life is better than nihilism. Maybe I should just stick with the Christianity thing and hope heaven is real. That seems like an awfully ignorant way to go through life, though. I'm not satisfied with accepting things based on faith or tradition or upbringing; I have to know how things work. "God works in mysterious ways" is not anything resembling an answer.

Out of everyone that responded to "Adult Life" only one person asked me about the relationship I alluded to. Talking to him about her was much more cathartic than I could have imagined. Why did everyone else focus on the spiritual side of things when it was clear that I was/am having much more tangible issues? I certainly don't mean to insult the people who wrote me about my belief in God, because I really do appreciate those discussions. But, again, why focus on that? Would I have avoided that relationship or those problems with a firm belief in God? Would a stronger faith have prevented me from being in that situation? I really don't know.

This post is rambling and incoherent, but it mirrors my thoughts in that way. Like I said last time, I have a lot of questions. I honestly appreciate everyone who has talked to me about these things, and I hope to continue those discussions. I know that no one has all the answers I need (or no one can give them to me, at least), but I want to hear how you answers these questions for yourself.

Adult Life

I've lived in Houston for more than a year now. I've done lots of adult things, like buying a car, figuring out how insurance works, renting an apartment, doing my taxes. I've dated a lot, too. A woman 6 years older, a girl 3 years younger. I said "I love you" for the first time in years. I heard it repeated back to me for the first time in even longer. I've said, done, written, and thought things that I'm not proud of. Things I would take back given half a chance. I've missed opportunities and blown second chances. My phone number has been blocked. I've been slapped across the face. I stopped going to church. I don't know how to tell my parents that I don't believe in God. I've lost friends. I've gained new ones. I've shouted and cried and begged and fought but never for the right people or at the right time.

I don't know how to be an adult. I don't know how to sustain relationships. I'd like to think that I act with the best of intentions but I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm actually incredibly selfish. On the other hand, I seem to need someone to be infatuated with. How do I reconcile those things? How do I get what I want? How do I know that what I want is what I need?

These questions pile and pile on, and I just don't have any answers for them.