I've lived in Houston for more than a year now. I've done lots of adult things, like buying a car, figuring out how insurance works, renting an apartment, doing my taxes. I've dated a lot, too. A woman 6 years older, a girl 3 years younger. I said "I love you" for the first time in years. I heard it repeated back to me for the first time in even longer. I've said, done, written, and thought things that I'm not proud of. Things I would take back given half a chance. I've missed opportunities and blown second chances. My phone number has been blocked. I've been slapped across the face. I stopped going to church. I don't know how to tell my parents that I don't believe in God. I've lost friends. I've gained new ones. I've shouted and cried and begged and fought but never for the right people or at the right time.
I don't know how to be an adult. I don't know how to sustain relationships. I'd like to think that I act with the best of intentions but I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm actually incredibly selfish. On the other hand, I seem to need someone to be infatuated with. How do I reconcile those things? How do I get what I want? How do I know that what I want is what I need?
These questions pile and pile on, and I just don't have any answers for them.
3 comments:
At least you're willing to ask the questions. Keep trying.
Being an adult isn't that hard, but it is a process. Everything you've gone through may feel like crap, but it's a step in the right direction. 5 years from now you're going to read this again and wonder why you ever thought it was so hard.
If they're friends worth having, I'm sure you haven't lost them so easily. Chances are if you did something stupid, writing something like this is proof you're sorry. Don't give up on everyone, because odds are they haven't given up completely on you.
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